Date: 2009-09-07 07:00 pm (UTC)
mossy: (hitting is wrong)
From: [personal profile] mossy
Well, I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say, because I don't know what you're talking about when you say "good parenting" as in, who is saying this model is "good parenting" and where? Sorry, bit confused. Do you mean what the "won't somebody think of the children" type people think? (Who rarely think of the children imo).

Or do you mean the "seen and not heard" model, as in, a good parent is one whose child never "acts up" (i.e. acts age appropriately) in a public place, whose main role is to basically keep their child out of adult view as much as possible?

Because most people I know in real life, and on teh intarwebs, think of "good parenting" not at all like that, although everyone differs.

Personally, in my own parenting, I like the quote by Alfie Kohn about carcinogens. When people say "but you've got to be harsh with your child because he'll meet that in the outside world" I think of it like carcinogens. He's gonna get exposed to plenty of carcinogenic substances in the outside world, but that doesn't mean I start it at home. As with carcinogens, I believe that if I provide, wherever possible (and it isn't always in my familial situation) a loving environment, where my kid can never doubt that he's loved, whatever happens to him elsewhere he can have the inner resilience to deal with.

Not that I wouldn't take bullying seriously, and maude knows if I could afford it and his father would allow it (ha!) I would home educate him, and not that I'd push him to do stuff like climb trees, cross roads and go to the shops by himself before he feels he's ready, but still.

As for "potential", well, the only thing I want for my kid is, wherever possible, to be happy, and happy as an adult. I see that that potential is probably there, and I basically show him a lot of love, avoid punishments and extrinsic rewards where I can, never, ever hit him and... well, that's it really.

As he gets older there are other things I'll have to do; many of them specific to raising a white, TAB male (he would tell you he's a little boy himself, and I'm respecting his current self identification but there is the possibility he isn't a boy, obviously) whose sexual orientation is currently unknown. As in, he's gonna have a hell of a lot of privilege. And it's my job to help him learn not to abuse it.

(And as for "happy" - well, I suffer from depression/anxiety, and sometimes I do wonder, yes, is "wanting your child to be happy and happy as an adult" ableist/prejudiced against people with mental illness, and I'm not sure, you know, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't trouble me sometimes, but also, I would like to be happy, and I'm sure my abusive childhood and being raised in a cult didn't help my current mental state, so ...)

Sorry if this is a bit tl;dr.
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